Terrible Twos Survival Guide: What to Expect & How to Cope
You're in the grocery store. Your sweet, adorable toddler has just thrown themselves on the floor, screaming at full volume because you wouldn't buy the sugary cereal with the cartoon character. Other shoppers are staring. You're mortified, exhausted, and wondering: What happened to my child?
Welcome to the terrible twos.
If you're here, you're probably desperate for answers, strategies, and maybe just a little validation that you're not losing your mind. The good news? You're not alone, you're not doing anything wrong, and this challenging phase is actually a sign of healthy development.
As therapists who have helped countless parents navigate this stage, we can tell you with certainty: the terrible twos are real, they're tough, and they're temporary. This guide will help you understand what's happening, why it's happening, and most importantly, how to get through it while preserving both your sanity and your relationship with your child.
Well Roots Counseling is an online therapy practice providing support for parents navigating challenging developmental stages. We offer individual therapy for women and specialized support for the emotional toll of parenting.
What Are the Terrible Twos? Understanding This Developmental Stage
The terrible twos aren't just about turning two years old. This developmental stage can start as early as 18 months and last well into age three (or beyond). It's characterized by tantrums, defiance, testing boundaries, and emotional dysregulation that can leave even the most patient parent feeling frazzled.
But here's what many parents don't realize: the terrible twos aren't actually "terrible" from your child's perspective. They're transformative. Your toddler is experiencing one of the most significant developmental leaps of their early life, and they're struggling just as much as you are, maybe more.
Why It's Called "Terrible"
The term "terrible twos" has been around since the 1950s, coined by parents who were understandably overwhelmed by this sudden shift in their child's behavior. The sweet baby who used to comply with your requests has been replaced by a tiny human who says "no" to everything and melts down over things that seem completely insignificant to adult eyes.
Modern parenting experts prefer terms like "transformative twos" or "terrific twos," recognizing that this stage, while challenging, represents crucial developmental growth. But let's be honest, when you're in the thick of it, "terrible" often feels like the most accurate description.
What's Actually Happening in Your Toddler's Brain
Understanding the neuroscience behind your toddler's behavior can transform your perspective from "my child is being difficult" to "my child is having difficulty."
During the terrible twos, your child's brain is undergoing massive development. The prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for impulse control, emotional regulation, and rational thinking, is still largely undeveloped. It won't fully mature until their mid-20s, but during toddlerhood, it's barely functional.
Meanwhile, their amygdala (the emotion center) is highly active. This means your toddler experiences feelings intensely but has absolutely no tools to manage them. Imagine feeling overwhelming frustration, anger, or disappointment and having no way to process or regulate those feelings. That's what your toddler experiences multiple times a day.
Add to this the language development gap. Your two-year-old understands far more than they can express. They know what they want, what they need, and how they feel, but they lack the vocabulary to tell you. This communication frustration is like knowing what you want to say in a foreign language but not having the words, it's maddening.
Finally, there's the independence drive. Around age two, children experience their first real awareness of being separate from their parents. They realize "I am my own person," and they want to assert this newfound independence. Unfortunately, they want to do things they're not yet capable of doing, which creates constant frustration.
The key insight: Your child isn't giving you a hard time, they're having a hard time. Their brain literally cannot do what you're asking (regulate emotions, control impulses, communicate clearly, wait patiently).
When Do Terrible Twos Start and How Long Do They Last?
Typical Timeline
Despite the name, the terrible twos don't always start at exactly age two. Here's what's actually normal:
When Terrible Twos Typically Begin:
Can start as early as 18 months
Often begin around 24 months (the second birthday)
Some children don't show signs until closer to 2.5 years
Timing depends on individual development, not calendar age
How Long This Stage Lasts:
Average duration: 6 months to 1.5 years
For some children: just a few months
For others: extends into age 3 ("terrible threes" or "threenagers")
Every child is different, there's no universal timeline
Signs It's Starting:
Increased use of the word "no" (to everything)
More frequent tantrums or meltdowns
Consistent boundary testing
Strong emotional reactions to minor frustrations
Wanting to do things independently but getting frustrated when they can't
Physical aggression (hitting, biting, pushing)
Signs It's Ending:
Better verbal communication (can express needs with words)
Longer periods between meltdowns
Can follow simple directions more consistently
Shows more empathy toward others
Better emotional regulation (can calm down faster)
Increased independence in actual capabilities (not just desire)
Age Timeline at a Glance
18 months: May begin showing early signs, more "no," testing boundaries, occasional tantrums
2 years: Peak intensity for most children, frequent tantrums, defiance, emotional volatility
2.5 years: Still challenging but many children show some improvement in communication and regulation
3 years: Most children transition out of the worst behaviors, though some enter a new challenging phase
Remember: These are averages. Your child might not follow this timeline exactly, and that's completely normal. Development happens on a spectrum, not a schedule.
Why the Terrible Twos Happen: The Science Behind the Chaos
Brain Development and Emotional Regulation
The terrible twos aren't about bad parenting or a difficult child. They're about normal brain development colliding with growing independence.
The Prefrontal Cortex Gap: Your toddler's prefrontal cortex, responsible for impulse control, emotional regulation, planning, and rational thinking, is barely developed. They literally cannot:
Stop themselves from acting on impulses
Regulate their emotional responses
Understand consequences of actions
Plan ahead or delay gratification
Transition smoothly between activities
Think of it this way: You're asking a two-year-old to do things that require a brain structure they simply don't have yet. It's like asking someone to lift a heavy weight before they've built the muscle.
The Amygdala Overdrive: Meanwhile, the amygdala (emotional center) is highly active. Your toddler feels everything intensely:
Disappointment feels like devastating loss
Frustration feels like unbearable anguish
Excitement feels overwhelming
Anger feels all-consuming
They're experiencing adult-sized emotions in a toddler-sized body with a developing brain. No wonder they melt down.
The Language Development Gap
Around age two, children experience a "language explosion", their vocabulary grows rapidly. But there's a critical gap: they understand far more than they can say.
Your toddler might understand 200-500 words but only be able to say 50-75. Imagine knowing exactly what you want to communicate but not having the words. You'd be frustrated too.
This gap causes constant communication breakdowns:
They want the blue cup, but you give them the red one, and they can't explain the problem
They're hungry for a specific food but can't tell you what
They feel scared or overwhelmed but can't articulate the feeling
They want to do something but can't explain what
The result? Tantrums become their primary communication tool.
Growing Independence Meets Limited Capability
Around 18-24 months, children experience a profound realization: "I am a separate person from my parents." This is a crucial developmental milestone, but it comes with challenges.
Your toddler suddenly wants to:
Do everything themselves
Make their own choices
Control their environment
Assert their independence
The problem? They want autonomy over things they can't actually do yet:
Put on shoes (but they can't work the straps)
Pour their own milk (spills everywhere)
Choose their own clothes (wants to wear a swimsuit in winter)
Decide when to eat, sleep, or leave the park
This creates a constant cycle of wanting independence → attempting task → failure → frustration → meltdown.
Limited Executive Function
Executive function includes skills like:
Planning ahead
Considering consequences
Waiting for things
Shifting attention between tasks
Controlling impulses
Two-year-olds have almost no executive function. They cannot:
Wait (everything is NOW)
Understand "in five minutes" or "later"
Think through "if I do this, then..."
Transition smoothly when engaged in an activity
Remember rules in the moment
This isn't defiance, it's developmental reality.
Big Emotions, Small Body
Your toddler's emotions are huge, genuine, and overwhelming. When they cry because their banana broke, they're experiencing real distress. Their brain hasn't developed the ability to:
Put feelings in perspective
Regulate emotional intensity
Understand that problems are temporary
Cope with disappointment
So feelings manifest physically: throwing, hitting, screaming, collapsing. It's not manipulation, it's the only way they know to express overwhelming internal experiences.
15 Common Terrible Twos Behaviors and How to Handle Them
Every toddler is unique, but certain behaviors almost universally define the terrible twos. Here's how to handle the most common challenges with specific, practical strategies you can implement today.
1. Public Tantrums and Meltdowns
What it looks like: Your child screams, cries, or throws themselves on the floor in stores, restaurants, or other public places. Other people stare. You feel embarrassed, frustrated, and desperate to make it stop.
Why it happens: Public tantrums occur when your toddler is overstimulated, tired, hungry, or didn't get what they wanted. They haven't learned socially appropriate behavior yet, and they don't care who's watching. Their distress feels urgent and all-consuming.
What NOT to do:
❌ Give in just to stop the tantrum (this teaches tantrums work)
❌ Yell or have your own meltdown
❌ Punish harshly in the moment
❌ Show visible embarrassment (they'll sense it and may escalate)
❌ Try to reason with them during the meltdown
What TO do:
Stay calm. Your regulation helps them regulate. Take a deep breath. Your calm is their anchor.
Remove them from the situation if possible. Pick them up and go to the car, bathroom, or outside. Reducing stimulation helps.
Get down to their level. Make eye contact and use a calm voice: "I see you're very upset right now."
Acknowledge feelings without giving in. "You really wanted that toy. It's hard when we can't have what we want."
Offer limited choices when they start to calm. "We can leave now or in two minutes. Which do you choose?"
Follow through consistently. If you said you're leaving, leave. Don't go back on consequences.
Ignore the stares. Most people have been there. The ones judging you have forgotten what it's like (or never had kids).
Real Example: Sarah's daughter melted down in Target because she couldn't get a toy. Instead of giving in or getting angry, Sarah calmly picked her up, left the cart, and went to the car. She sat with her daughter in the back seat, acknowledging her feelings: "You really wanted that toy. I know you're disappointed. It's okay to feel sad." After five minutes, her daughter calmed down. They talked about feelings and expectations before going back inside to finish shopping. Sarah didn't give in, but she also didn't shame or punish. She set the boundary while validating the emotion.
2. Saying "No" to Everything
What it looks like: A reflexive "no" to any request, even things they clearly want to do. "Do you want ice cream?" "NO!" (But they definitely want ice cream.)
Why it happens: Saying "no" is your toddler's way of asserting independence and testing their power. They're learning they can make choices and have some control over their world. Sometimes they say "no" just to say it, not because they actually mean it.
What NOT to do:
❌ Get into power struggles over every "no"
❌ Force them (unless it's a safety issue)
❌ Take it personally
❌ Always resort to "because I said so" without explanation
What TO do:
Offer choices instead of yes/no questions. "Do you want the red cup or the blue cup?" instead of "Do you want milk?"
Make statements instead of questions. "It's time for bath" instead of "Do you want a bath?"
Use "when/then" language. "When you put on pajamas, then we can read stories."
Pick your battles. Save the non-negotiable stance for safety issues. Does it really matter if they wear stripes with polka dots?
Validate the feeling. "I know you don't want to get dressed, and we still need to."
Give them control where you can. "You can choose: get dressed now or after breakfast?"
Real Example: Instead of asking "Do you want to get dressed?" (which always got a "no"), Michael started saying "It's time to get dressed. Do you want the dinosaur shirt or the truck shirt?" His son felt he had control over the choice, significantly reducing resistance. The "no" disappeared when he felt empowered by the choice.
3. Hitting, Biting, or Pushing
What it looks like: Physical aggression toward parents, siblings, or other children. This can be scary and concerning for parents.
Why it happens: Toddlers hit, bite, or push because they can't express frustration verbally, their impulse control isn't developed, they're testing reactions, or they're overwhelmed by emotions. Sometimes they're exploring cause and effect: "What happens when I hit?"
What NOT to do:
❌ Hit back, even "lightly" to "show how it feels"
❌ Ignore it completely
❌ Laugh (even if it doesn't hurt—this reinforces the behavior)
❌ Only say "Don't hit" without teaching an alternative
What TO do:
Immediate response. Stop the behavior immediately. Get down to their level.
Be firm but calm. "No hitting. Hitting hurts people."
Label the feeling. "I see you're angry that Jake took your toy."
Teach the alternative. "Use words. Say 'I'm mad' or 'That's mine' or come get help."
Natural consequence. Remove them from the situation temporarily. "You hit, so we need to take a break from playing."
Teach empathy. Point to the hurt child: "Look, Jake is crying. Hitting hurts. His body feels pain."
Be consistent every single time. This behavior requires absolute consistency to change.
Real Example: When Emma's son bit his sister, she immediately separated them. She got down to his level, made eye contact, and said firmly: "No biting. Biting hurts." She pointed to his sister who was crying: "Look, she's crying because you hurt her. Biting hurts people's bodies." Then she taught: "When you're frustrated, say 'help' or come get Mommy." She used this exact response every single time he bit. Within two weeks, the biting stopped completely. He started saying "help" or coming to get her when frustrated.
4. Bedtime Battles
What it looks like: Refusing to go to bed, getting out of bed repeatedly, crying, demanding one more story, needing water, having to use the bathroom, any delay tactic imaginable.
Why it happens: FOMO (fear of missing out on what parents are doing), separation anxiety, overtiredness (paradoxically makes it harder to sleep), testing boundaries, or wanting to assert independence.
What NOT to do:
❌ Give in "just this once" (teaches persistence works)
❌ Engage in long negotiations
❌ Get angry or frustrated (creates negative sleep associations)
❌ Keep changing the bedtime routine
What TO do:
Consistent routine. Same sequence every single night: bath, pajamas, teeth, story, song, bed. Consistency creates security.
Start early enough. Begin the routine when they're tired but not overtired. Watch for sleep cues.
Limited choices within routine. "One book or two books tonight?" They feel control, you maintain the boundary.
Clear expectations. "After this story, it's time for sleep. No more stories tonight."
Stay calm during protests. "I know you want to stay up. Your body needs sleep to grow strong."
Silent walk-back method. If they get up, calmly walk them back to bed without talking or engaging. Do this as many times as needed.
Positive reinforcement. Praise and celebrate successful bedtimes. "You stayed in bed all night! I'm proud of you!"
Earlier bedtime if needed. Overtired toddlers fight sleep harder. Try moving bedtime 15-30 minutes earlier.
5. Mealtime Refusal
What it looks like: Won't eat meals, throws food, says "yucky" to everything, only wants specific foods (often beige carbs), turns their head away, or gets up from the table repeatedly.
Why it happens: Asserting independence, normal decrease in appetite (growth slows after age one), sensory sensitivities, wanting control, or simply not hungry because they grazed all day.
What NOT to do:
❌ Force feeding or "one more bite" pressure
❌ Make separate meals catering to their demands
❌ Turn meals into battles
❌ Use food as reward or punishment ("If you eat your vegetables, you can have dessert")
❌ Worry excessively (healthy toddlers won't starve themselves)
What TO do:
Division of responsibility. You decide WHAT foods are offered, WHEN meals happen, and WHERE you eat. They decide IF they eat and HOW MUCH.
Offer variety. Include at least one food you know they'll eat alongside new or less-preferred foods.
No pressure. Avoid "just try it" or "three more bites." Let them explore food at their pace.
Neutral response to refusal. "Okay, you don't have to eat it" is much more effective than showing disappointment or frustration.
Consistent meal and snack times. Avoid grazing all day. Hunger is the best motivator to try new foods.
Make it fun. Let them help cook, use colorful plates, arrange food in fun shapes, eat together as a family.
Trust their appetite. They'll eat when hungry. One rejected meal won't harm them.
Don't be a short-order cook. Offer the meal. If they don't eat, they can try again at the next meal or snack time.
6. Screaming and Whining
What it looks like: High-pitched screaming, constant whining voice for every request, vocal protests to everything. Their default communication becomes grating whining.
Why it happens: It gets attention quickly, they're frustrated by limited communication abilities, they're testing what works to get what they want, or they're overwhelmed.
What NOT to do:
❌ Respond immediately to screaming/whining
❌ Yell "Stop whining!"
❌ Give in to make it stop
What TO do:
Teach voice levels. "That's your whining voice. Use your normal voice please."
Wait for appropriate tone. "I can't understand whining. Can you use your words in your normal voice?"
Model appropriate requests. "Can you say 'Help please' in your normal voice? Like this: 'Help please.'"
Respond immediately to normal voice. When they use an appropriate tone, address their need right away. This teaches what works.
Ignore whining. Don't engage, make eye contact, or respond until they change their tone.
Acknowledge when they use nice voice. "Thank you for using your nice voice! Now I can help you."
Teach coping. "When you're frustrated, you can say 'I need help' or 'I'm frustrated.'"
7. Difficulty with Transitions
What it looks like: Meltdowns when leaving the playground, moving to the next activity, getting in the car seat, stopping play for bath time. Any change triggers resistance or tantrums.
Why it happens: Toddlers have no concept of time, difficulty shifting focus from engaging activities, want to stay in control, and can't anticipate what's coming next.
What NOT to do:
❌ Surprise transitions without warning
❌ Rush them constantly
❌ Give too many warnings (loses meaning: "5 more minutes" x 10)
What TO do:
Give warnings. "Five more minutes, then we're leaving the park" → "Two more minutes" → "One more slide, then time to go."
Use visual timers. Show them time counting down on a timer app or visual timer.
Offer choices. "Do you want to walk to the car or should I carry you?"
Transition objects. "You can bring your favorite toy to the car."
Transition songs. "Cleanup song" signals it's time to clean up. Singing the same song creates a routine.
"First-then" language. "First we'll put on shoes, then we can go to the park."
Consistent routines. Same order every day helps them anticipate what's next.
Make transitions fun. "Let's hop like bunnies to the bathroom!" or "Race you to the car!"
8. Potty Training Resistance
What it looks like: Refusing to use the potty, having accidents after being partially trained, fear of the toilet, preferring the independence of diapers.
Why it happens: Not developmentally ready, power struggle (one of the few things they can control), fear of the toilet or sounds, or regression during the terrible twos.
What NOT to do:
❌ Force potty training before they're ready
❌ Shame or punish accidents
❌ Compare to other kids ("Your friend is already potty trained")
❌ Turn it into a battle
What TO do:
Watch for readiness signs. Interest in bathroom habits, staying dry for 2+ hours, communicating need to go, discomfort with dirty diapers.
Make it fun. Special "big kid" underwear, sticker charts for attempts (not just successes), books about potty training.
No pressure approach. "The potty is here when you're ready. Let me know if you want to try."
Celebrate all attempts. Praise trying, not just success. "You tried! That's awesome!"
Expect regression. Completely normal during terrible twos. Don't make a big deal of accidents.
Stay calm about accidents. "Accidents happen. Let's clean up and try again."
Don't push if they're not ready. Forcing it creates power struggles and delays success.
9. Separation Anxiety
What it looks like: Clinging to parent, crying when you leave the room, won't let other caregivers help with basic tasks, meltdowns at daycare drop-off.
Why it happens: Object permanence developing (they now know you exist even when gone but worry you won't return), fear of abandonment, developmental leap in awareness of separateness.
What NOT to do:
❌ Sneak away without saying goodbye (destroys trust)
❌ Return immediately when they cry (reinforces that crying brings you back)
❌ Show your own anxiety (they sense it)
❌ Prolong goodbyes (makes it harder)
What TO do:
Consistent goodbye routine. Short, sweet, same every time. "Hug, kiss, see you later!" Then leave confidently.
Reassurance. "Mommy always comes back. I'll be back after naptime."
Transitional object. Special stuffed animal or blanket that goes with them.
Practice. Short separations that gradually increase. "I'm going to the other room. I'll be right back."
Stay positive. "You're going to have so much fun with Grandma! I can't wait to hear about it!"
Don't linger. Say goodbye and leave. Prolonging it makes it worse.
Validate feelings. "I know it's hard when I leave. You miss me. That shows you love me."
10. Demanding Attention Constantly
What it looks like: Can't play independently for even a few minutes, interrupts constantly, demands you watch everything they do, follows you from room to room.
Why it happens: They genuinely enjoy your company, testing attachment security to ensure you're available, normal developmental need for connection and validation.
What NOT to do:
❌ Ignore them completely
❌ Always drop everything immediately
❌ Feel guilty for needing breaks
What TO do:
Scheduled attention time. "Special time" blocks where they have your full, undivided attention (even 15 minutes helps).
Teach waiting. "I need to finish this, then I'll help you. Can you wait?"
Narrate while doing tasks. "I see you building that tower! I'm cooking dinner right now, and I can see what you're doing."
Train independent play. Start with 5 minutes alone in a safe space while you're nearby. Gradually increase.
Transition warnings. "I can play for 10 more minutes, then I need to cook dinner."
Quality over quantity. Fully present during dedicated time matters more than always being available.
"Yes, and..." "Yes, I see your drawing! And I need to finish folding this laundry. Then I'll look at it closely."
11. Refusing to Share
What it looks like: Grabbing toys from other children, yelling "mine!" about everything, pushing other kids away from toys, hoarding all the blocks.
Why it happens: Developmentally normal (true sharing ability doesn't develop until 3-4 years), don't understand ownership concepts yet, testing boundaries, protecting their resources.
What NOT to do:
❌ Force immediate sharing ("Give that to her right now!")
❌ Punish for not sharing
❌ Expect them to share like older kids
❌ Make them feel bad about their feelings
What TO do:
Set realistic expectations. They're learning. They're not being mean.
Model sharing. "I'll share my apple with you. Sharing makes people happy."
Take turns instead of sharing. "First you play with the truck, then it's his turn. I'll help you wait."
Use timers. "You can play with this truck for 3 minutes, then it's his turn." Visual timers help.
Special toys. Some toys don't have to be shared. "This is your special bear. You don't have to share him."
Praise sharing attempts. "You let her play with your ball! That was so kind."
Provide duplicates. Have multiples of popular toys during playdates.
Teach empathy. "When you share, it makes your friend happy. See her smile?"
12. Getting into Everything
What it looks like: Climbing on furniture, opening every cabinet, touching everything they're not supposed to, constant exploration that feels exhausting to supervise.
Why it happens: Natural curiosity and learning about the world, testing physical capabilities, exploring cause and effect, sensory seeking.
What NOT to do:
❌ Say "no" constantly (it loses all meaning)
❌ Expect them to remember rules (their memory isn't there yet)
❌ Leave dangerous items accessible and expect them not to touch
What TO do:
Childproof thoroughly. Remove what you don't want them touching. Make your home a "yes" space.
Create exploration zones. Safe areas where they can freely explore: low cabinets with safe items, sensory bins, climbing structures.
Safe outlets for curiosity. Water play, sensory bins, supervised climbing on appropriate furniture.
Redirect instead of restrict. "Not the lamp. You can climb on this step stool instead."
Supervision is key. Keep them in sight during this exploratory stage.
Teach "gentle touches." For delicate items: "This is fragile. Gentle touches with one finger."
Channel the energy. Playground time, outdoor exploration, safe climbing toys.
13. Interrupting Constantly
What it looks like: Can't wait while you're on the phone or talking to another adult, demands immediate attention, loud interruptions.
Why it happens: No impulse control, no concept of waiting, everything feels urgent to them, can't hold thoughts.
What NOT to do:
❌ Stop your conversation immediately every time (reinforces interrupting)
❌ Get angry at interruptions
❌ Ignore them completely
What TO do:
Teach a "waiting signal." Hand on your arm or leg means "I need you when you're done talking."
Acknowledge quickly. Make eye contact, touch their hand: "I see you. Just one minute."
Practice during play. Role-play taking turns talking and waiting.
Keep adult conversations brief. When possible with toddlers around, keep phone calls short.
Praise waiting. "Thank you for waiting while I talked to Grandma! That was so patient!"
Set them up for success. Before making a call: "I need to talk on the phone for 5 minutes. Here's a special activity."
14. Emotional Meltdowns Over Small Things
What it looks like: Complete breakdown because: wrong color cup, sandwich cut wrong way, sock feels weird, favorite show ended, cloud isn't the right shape.
Why it happens: Everything feels huge when you can't regulate emotions, they're overwhelmed easily, limited perspective (can't see the big picture), the "small thing" represents something bigger.
What NOT to do:
❌ Dismiss feelings: "That's not a big deal" or "You're fine"
❌ Laugh at the reason (even though it seems absurd)
❌ Try to logic them out of it ("It's just a cup")
❌ Match their intensity with your own frustration
What TO do:
Validate the feeling. "You're really upset about the blue cup. I see that."
Name the emotion. "You feel angry right now. Anger is a feeling everyone has."
Stay calm. Your calm is their anchor. Deep breaths. Soft voice.
Offer comfort if wanted. "Do you need a hug?"
Problem-solve after calm. "Next time, let's choose the cup before I pour the milk."
Teach coping skills. "Let's take deep breaths together. In through your nose, out through your mouth."
Remember it's real to them. Even if it seems silly, their distress is genuine.
15. Sleep Regression
What it looks like: Previously good sleeper suddenly waking frequently, resisting naps, early morning waking, bedtime battles returning.
Why it happens: Developmental leaps, nightmares or night terrors starting, separation anxiety, learning new physical skills (brain processes at night), testing boundaries.
What NOT to do:
❌ Create new habits you don't want long-term (sleeping in your bed every night)
❌ Get angry at nighttime wakings
❌ Drastically change the entire sleep routine
What TO do:
Maintain consistency. Keep the same bedtime routine even when they resist.
Quick comfort at night. Briefly comfort when they wake, then encourage back to sleep in their bed.
Return to bed calmly. If they come to your room, walk them back without conversation or engagement.
Address fears. Nightlight, dreamcatcher, "monster spray" (water in a spray bottle), comfort object.
Patience. Most sleep regressions are temporary (2-6 weeks).
Daytime connection. Extra cuddles and connection during the day can reduce nighttime seeking.
Evaluate sleep environment. Too hot? Too bright? Uncomfortable pajamas?
Earlier bedtime. Paradoxically, an earlier bedtime can improve sleep when they're going through regression.
Red Flags: When Terrible Twos Behavior Might Be Something More
While most terrible twos behavior is completely normal and developmental, there are some signs that might indicate you should consult your pediatrician or a child development specialist.
Normal Terrible Twos vs. Concerning Behavior
| Normal "Terrible Twos" | Potential Red Flag |
|---|---|
| Tantrums 1–5 times per day | Tantrums lasting over 25 minutes consistently |
| Can be calmed with comfort eventually | Completely inconsolable for extended periods regularly |
| Shows affection to parents and caregivers | Avoids all physical affection consistently |
| Makes eye contact | Avoiding eye contact consistently |
| Developing language, even if slowly | Not using any words by age 2 |
| Playing with toys, even briefly | No interest in any toys or play |
| Connects with caregivers | Cannot form relationships |
| Aggressive when frustrated | Hurting themselves deliberately and repeatedly |
| Testing boundaries | No response to name by 18 months |
| Mood swings | Extreme, persistent mood changes |
When to Consult a Professional
Contact your pediatrician if you notice:
1. Extreme Aggression:
Deliberately hurting themselves (head-banging, scratching until bleeding)
Aggressive to the point of regularly injuring others
No remorse whatsoever after hurting someone
Aggression that's increasing rather than decreasing over time
2. Language Delays:
Not using any words by 18 months
Losing language skills they previously had
Not attempting to communicate at all (no pointing, gesturing, or sounds)
Can't follow simple one-step directions by age 2
3. Social Withdrawal:
No interest in other children at all
Doesn't respond to their name by 18 months
Prefers to be alone always, resists all social interaction
No shared joy or showing you things
4. Developmental Regression:
Losing skills they previously had (walking, talking, eating)
Significant behavioral changes after a specific event
Sudden personality change
5. Extreme Sensory Issues:
Can't tolerate normal textures, sounds, or lights
Sensory issues severely interfering with daily life (can't eat most foods, can't wear clothes, can't be in public)
Not improving at all with exposure
6. No Improvement:
Behaviors getting significantly worse, not better, over time
No progress in emotional regulation by age 3
Increasing isolation or withdrawal
7. Persistent Sleep Issues:
Never sleeping through the night by age 2
Extreme sleep disruption affecting growth or development
8. Eating Concerns:
Extreme food restriction (only eats 3-5 foods total)
Not gaining weight or losing weight
Severe oral aversion
Important: If you have concerns, trust your instincts. It's always better to have your child evaluated and hear "everything is developing normally" than to wait and wish you'd gotten help sooner. Early intervention makes a huge difference if there is a developmental concern.
Resources:
Your pediatrician
Early intervention services (free evaluations for children under 3)
Child development specialists
Well Roots Counseling for parent support navigating concerns
Survival Strategies: Taking Care of Yourself During the Terrible Twos
You can't pour from an empty cup. Taking care of yourself isn't selfish, it's essential for getting through this stage with your sanity and your relationship with your child intact.
10 Ways to Preserve Your Sanity
1. Lower Your Expectations (For Real)
The house won't be perfectly clean. You won't parent perfectly. Some days are purely about survival, keeping everyone fed, safe, and relatively calm. That's okay. That's enough.
Let go of Pinterest-perfect parenting. Your toddler doesn't need elaborate activities or a spotless home. They need a regulated parent who can stay calm during their meltdowns.
2. Connect with Other Parents
Join a playgroup, online community, or parent group. Talk to other parents going through this. Share your "war stories" and laugh about the absurdity together.
Knowing you're not the only one whose child melted down over the "wrong" color banana makes a huge difference. Community creates perspective.
3. Take Real Breaks
Trade childcare with another parent so you both get kid-free time. Hire an occasional babysitter (even for two hours). Use naptime for rest sometimes, not just catching up on chores.
Even 30 minutes alone to shower, read, or do nothing can reset your nervous system.
4. Practice Self-Compassion
You're doing your best in an incredibly challenging situation. Bad moments (or bad days) don't make you a bad parent.
When you lose your temper, apologize and move on. Model repair: "I'm sorry I yelled. I was frustrated. I'll try to stay calm next time."
Tomorrow is always a fresh start.
5. Maintain Routines (For Yourself Too)
Predictability helps everyone. When your toddler knows what comes next, they feel more secure. When you have routines, you have fewer decisions to make (which reduces decision fatigue).
Morning routine, bedtime routine, meal routine, whatever brings structure and reduces chaos.
6. Get Outside Daily
Fresh air helps everyone. Physical activity burns your toddler's endless energy. A change of environment often stops brewing meltdowns.
Even 15 minutes outside can shift everyone's mood.
7. Keep Perspective
This stage is temporary. It feels endless when you're in it, but it will pass.
Your toddler is learning crucial skills: independence, emotional expression, boundary testing, communication. These skills will serve them for life.
Your patience right now is teaching them emotional regulation they'll use forever.
8. Celebrate Small Wins
Made it through the grocery store without a meltdown? WIN.
No hitting today? WIN.
Everyone ate something for dinner? WIN.
You stayed calm during a tantrum? HUGE WIN.
Acknowledge progress, even tiny progress.
9. Ask for Help
From your partner, family, friends, neighbors. People often want to help but don't know how. Be specific: "Can you watch her for an hour on Saturday?" or "Can you bring a meal on Tuesday?"
Consider professional help if you're really struggling: parent coaching, therapy for yourself, or family therapy.
10. Remember Why You Love Them
When you're in survival mode, it's easy to forget. Look at baby pictures. Cuddle them when they're calm. Notice their discoveries and wonder about the world.
This challenging stage doesn't erase your love. Let yourself feel both: frustration AND love. Both are valid.
Terrible Twos Parent Survival Checklist
□ Ate at least one meal today
□ Drank water
□ Showered (even if it was quick)
□ Had at least 5 minutes alone
□ Talked to another adult
□ Moved your body
□ Took a deep breath during chaos
□ Didn't yell (or apologized if you did)
□ Asked for help if you needed it
□ Reminded yourself this stage is temporary
If you checked even half of these, you're doing great.
Frequently Asked Questions About Terrible Twos
-
Yes, absolutely! Despite the name "terrible twos," this developmental stage can start as early as 18 months for some children. Every child develops at their own pace. Some children show signs of this independence-seeking, boundary-testing behavior before their second birthday, while others don't start until closer to 2.5 years.
The timing has more to do with your child's individual development than any specific age. The behaviors are driven by brain development, language development, and the push for independence—not by the calendar.
What matters most is how you respond to the behaviors, not when they start. If your 18-month-old is showing typical terrible twos behavior, use the same strategies you would for a two-year-old.
-
Normal terrible twos include frequent tantrums, saying "no" often, testing boundaries, emotional ups and downs, physical outbursts like hitting, and resistance to routines. These behaviors should show some improvement over time (even if slowly), and your child should still show affection, make eye contact, and develop language skills.
Concerning signs include:
Extreme aggression that regularly injures others or self
Complete lack of communication attempts by age 2
Total avoidance of social interaction and eye contact
Tantrums lasting over 30 minutes regularly with no ability to calm down
Losing skills they previously had
No improvement or worsening over several months
When in doubt, consult your pediatrician. It's always better to check and hear everything is fine than to wait and wish you had gotten help sooner. Most pediatricians can quickly distinguish between normal terrible twos and developmental concerns.
-
Yes! Your sweet child is still in there, and you'll see them again—probably many times during this stage and definitely after it ends.
The terrible twos aren't a personality change; they're a developmental stage driven by brain development and the push for independence. Think of it like a software update happening in their brain. Sometimes the system gets buggy during the update, but the core programming (your sweet child) is still there.
Most children transition out of this intense phase by age 3-3.5. You'll notice gradual improvements: longer periods of cooperation, better communication, fewer meltdowns, and more frequent moments of the sweetness you remember.
Many parents say ages 3-4 are absolutely delightful because their child can finally communicate well and has gained some emotional regulation skills. The patience you're showing now is teaching them those regulation skills.
-
It depends on the type of tantrum and what your child needs in that moment.
For manipulative tantrums (trying to get something they want): Stay calm and don't give in, but don't completely ignore your child. Acknowledge their feelings: "I see you're upset because you wanted the candy." Then hold your boundary: "The answer is still no." Stay nearby but don't reward the tantrum with attention or give in to the demand.
For emotional meltdowns where they're genuinely overwhelmed: Offer comfort. Some children want hugs during big feelings; others need space. You might say: "I'm here when you need a hug" and stay nearby. Your calm presence helps them regulate.
The goal is to teach that you're there for their emotions while also teaching that tantrums don't change your decisions. Validate feelings ("You're really disappointed") while maintaining boundaries ("We're still not buying the toy").
Over time, you'll learn to read your child and know what they need: space, comfort, or just your calm presence.
-
Traditional time-outs (isolating a child in a chair or corner) are generally not very effective for children under 3 and can sometimes be counterproductive.
At this age, they can't yet connect the consequence to their behavior effectively. Isolation can feel scary rather than corrective, potentially increasing anxiety and resistance.
Better alternatives:
Time-in: Sit with your child in a calm space while they regulate. Your presence helps them learn to calm down.
Natural consequences: If they throw a toy, the toy gets put away. If they hit during play, playtime ends immediately.
Redirection: "We don't hit. Let's use gentle hands" while physically guiding them.
The key is immediate, logical consequences paired with teaching: "Hitting hurts. When you're angry, use words or come get help."
Consistency matters much more than the specific consequence. Whatever approach you choose, use it every single time the behavior happens.
-
First, remember that most people staring have been exactly where you are. The ones judging you have either forgotten what it's like or never had children.
Your action plan:
Stay calm. Your regulation helps your child regulate. Take a deep breath.
Remove your child if possible. Go to the car, bathroom, or outside. Reducing stimulation helps.
Get down to their level. Make eye contact: "You're really upset right now."
Don't give in to stop the tantrum. That teaches tantrums work.
Don't feel pressured to discipline harshly because people are watching. Focus on your child, not the audience.
A confident, calm response is always the best approach, regardless of who's watching.
If you need to abandon your cart and leave the store, do it. Your child's emotional well-being and the lesson they're learning matters more than other people's opinions or your shopping list.
-
Two-year-olds hit because:
They don't have the language skills to express big feelings
Their impulse control isn't developed (the "don't hit" signal can't override the angry impulse yet)
Physical responses happen before they can think
They're testing cause and effect ("What happens when I hit?")
They're not trying to hurt you—they're overwhelmed and their body is reacting.
When hitting happens:
Stop the behavior immediately
Get down to their level
Say firmly: "No hitting. Hitting hurts."
Label the feeling: "I see you're angry."
Teach the alternative: "When you're mad, use words. Say 'I'm mad' or come get help."
Be consistent with this response every single time
Most children grow out of hitting as language develops, usually by age 3. The key is consistent, patient teaching of alternatives.
-
Yes! This is extremely normal and actually a compliment to your relationship (though it doesn't feel like one).
Many parents notice their child is an "angel" at daycare but a terror at home. Here's why:
Your child feels safe with you. They can let down their guard and release all the self-control they used all day. Toddlers work incredibly hard to hold it together in new environments or with other caregivers. Then they melt down with their trusted caregiver because they finally feel safe enough to fall apart.
Think of it like you holding it together at work all day, then coming home and immediately changing into sweatpants and collapsing. Your toddler is doing the emotional equivalent.
What helps:
Expect the after-daycare meltdown
Have a snack ready immediately (hunger makes it worse)
Plan calm activities for right after pickup
Don't schedule errands after daycare pickup
Give extra connection time (even 10 minutes of focused attention helps)
Remember it's not about you doing anything wrong
-
First, know that this is incredibly normal during the terrible twos.
Toddlers' growth slows down significantly after their first year, so they naturally need less food than before. Plus, mealtime is a place where they can assert control, and they absolutely will.
Use the Division of Responsibility approach:
You decide:
What foods to offer
When meals happen
Where food is eaten
Your child decides:
Whether to eat
How much to eat
Practical tips:
Offer a variety with at least one food you know they'll eat
Don't force, bribe, or pressure
Don't react to refusal or food throwing (neutral response)
Keep meals pleasant and short (20-30 minutes max)
Don't make special meals or become a short-order cook
Trust that healthy children won't starve themselves
If you're concerned about nutrition or weight loss, talk to your pediatrician. But most picky eating at this age is a phase that resolves as they develop and assert independence in other areas.
-
Sleep regression during the terrible twos is very common. Causes include:
Developmental leaps (brain processing new skills at night)
Separation anxiety
Nightmares starting
Boundary testing extending to bedtime
To help:
Maintain consistent bedtime routine. Don't change everything; consistency provides security.
Respond briefly to night wakings. Quick comfort, then encourage back to sleep in their own bed.
Return them to bed calmly. If they come to your room, walk them back without long conversations or engagement.
Address new fears. Nightlight, dreamcatcher, "monster spray," comfort object.
Be patient. Most regressions last 2-6 weeks.
Earlier bedtime. Paradoxically, an earlier bedtime often helps. Overtired toddlers sleep worse.
Daytime connection. Extra cuddles and focused attention during the day can reduce nighttime seeking.
Don't create new habits you don't want long-term (like sleeping in your bed every night). Brief comfort and return to bed is better than bringing them into your bed, unless that's your permanent plan.
If sleep issues persist beyond 6 weeks or you're completely exhausted, consider consulting a pediatric sleep consultant.
-
Not necessarily. Some children transition into what parents call "terrible threes" or "threenagers."
However, you should see gradual improvement in some areas even if challenges continue:
By age 3-3.5, most children show:
Better language skills and communication
Slightly longer attention span
Fewer daily tantrums
Some ability to wait briefly
Moments of genuine cooperation
Progress in emotional regulation
If behaviors are getting worse instead of better, or if your child shows other concerning signs (no language development, extreme aggression that's intensifying, no social interaction), consult your pediatrician.
But if it's typical boundary-testing, emotional ups and downs, and strong-willed behavior, your child is probably just developing on their own timeline. Some children need more time to develop emotional regulation than others.
-
No, and honestly, you wouldn't want to!
This developmental stage is actually a sign of healthy growth. Your child is supposed to:
Assert independence
Test boundaries
Develop their own identity
Express emotions (even big ones)
Learn they're separate from you
These are crucial skills for becoming a functioning, independent adult.
What you CAN do:
Prepare yourself mentally and emotionally
Learn effective strategies to respond
Respond in ways that teach emotional regulation rather than suppress it
Set appropriate boundaries while validating feelings
Children who aren't allowed to express independence during the terrible twos often just do it later (and teenage years can be especially challenging as a result).
Embrace this stage as your child learning important life skills rather than something to prevent or eliminate.
-
This is incredibly common and frustrating. Two main reasons:
1. You spend more time together. More time = more opportunities for meltdowns. If you're the primary caregiver, you're seeing more of everything, including the challenging behavior.
2. They feel safest with you. Children often test boundaries more with their primary attachment figure because they feel safest with that person. They know you'll love them no matter what, so they can let their guard down completely.
It's actually a compliment to your relationship and the security of your bond, though it's absolutely exhausting.
What helps:
Recognize this pattern so you don't take it personally
Take breaks when possible
Have your partner handle bedtime or other routines sometimes
Don't compare their behavior with you vs. others (it will always be different)
Know that this shows the security of your attachment
The "worse" behavior with you isn't about you doing anything wrong. It's about them feeling safe enough with you to be their full, unregulated selves.
-
It depends on the situation and your reason for walking away.
It's okay to step away if:
You're getting so frustrated you might react harshly
You need a moment to regulate your own emotions
Your child is in a safe space (not near stairs, sharp objects, etc.)
Say: "Mommy/Daddy needs a break for one minute. I'll be right back." Then step into another room briefly to calm yourself.
This models emotional regulation and self-care. It's better to step away and return calm than to stay and yell or react harshly.
Don't completely abandon them if:
They're genuinely scared or in distress (comfort is appropriate)
They're in danger
They're asking for you specifically
You can stay nearby without giving in to demands. Your presence helps them co-regulate (learn to calm down), even if you're not actively engaging with the tantrum.
The key is staying calm yourself. If you need space to maintain your calm, take it. Return when you're regulated and can help them regulate.
Will my two-year-old remember if I yell during this stage?
They likely won't remember specific incidents of yelling, but repeated patterns of harsh responses can impact their developing brain and sense of security.
That said, all parents yell sometimes. It's about patterns, not perfection.
What matters more than the yelling itself is what you do after:
Model repair: "I'm sorry I yelled. I was frustrated, but yelling isn't okay. I'll try to use my calm voice next time."
This teaches that:
Mistakes happen
Relationships can be repaired
Adults feel frustrated too
We can apologize and do better
Research shows children are remarkably resilient when parents acknowledge mistakes and make efforts to improve.
Focus on progress, not perfection. If you find yourself yelling frequently and can't stop, that might be a sign you need more support. Consider therapy, parent coaching, or talking to your doctor about your stress levels.
-
This can be difficult because there's significant overlap in behaviors. That's why developmental screening is important if you have concerns.
Typical terrible twos include:
Tantrums and defiance
Testing boundaries
But also: making progress in language, showing affection, making eye contact, playing with toys, showing interest in others
Concerning signs that might indicate something beyond typical development:
No words by 18 months
Losing language or skills previously acquired
No interest in people (children or adults)
No eye contact or very limited eye contact
No interest in any toys or play
Extreme sensory sensitivities interfering with daily life
Self-harming behaviors
No social reciprocity (doesn't show you things, share attention)
If you have any concerns:
Speak with your pediatrician
Request a developmental screening
Early intervention services offer free evaluations for children under 3
Trust your instincts
It's always better to check and hear everything is developing typically than to wait. Early evaluation and intervention can make a significant difference if there is a developmental concern.
Most of the time, what parents worry might be autism or ADHD is actually just normal terrible twos development. But if you have concerns, getting professional assessment provides peace of mind or early help if needed.
-
Yes! Regression during the terrible twos is completely normal and very common.
Regression often happens around:
Developmental leaps (learning to talk, potty training, etc.)
Changes in routine (starting daycare, moving, new sibling)
Illness or growth spurts
Parental stress (they sense it)
Sometimes for no obvious reason
You might see regression in:
Sleep (was sleeping through, now waking)
Potty training (was dry, now having accidents)
Eating (was eating well, now refusing)
Behavior (was cooperative, now defiant)
Language (sometimes seems to "lose" words temporarily)
This is temporary.
What helps:
Maintain consistency in routines
Offer extra comfort and connection
Don't make a big deal of regression
Be patient
Avoid power struggles over regressed areas
Most regressions resolve within 2-6 weeks as your child adjusts to whatever triggered the regression (or as they complete the developmental leap).
If regression is severe, prolonged (more than 2 months), or involves losing multiple skills, consult your pediatrician.
-
Neither extreme works well. Research consistently shows the most effective approach is "authoritative parenting"—firm boundaries with warmth and respect.
This means:
Having clear, consistent rules (especially for safety)
Offering choices within boundaries
Acknowledging feelings while maintaining limits
Following through consistently
Treating your child with respect even when setting boundaries
Too permissive:
Leads to increased anxiety (children need boundaries to feel secure)
Doesn't teach necessary skills
Can create entitled behavior
Makes later childhood harder
Too strict:
Leads to power struggles
Doesn't teach emotional regulation
Can damage the relationship
May lead to rebellion later
Authoritative (the sweet spot):
"I understand you're angry. You still can't hit. Let's find a better way."
Clear expectations delivered with empathy
Boundaries that keep them safe while allowing age-appropriate independence
Teaching, not just punishing
Think: firm on the boundary, soft on the person.
-
This is temporary AND it's necessary.
Your child isn't trying to make your life difficult—they're growing, learning, and developing crucial life skills. The part of their brain that controls impulses and emotions literally isn't developed yet.
They're having a hard time, not giving you a hard time.
Your job isn't to eliminate this stage (you can't) but to guide them through it with patience and consistency. You're teaching them skills they'll use for the rest of their lives:
How to handle disappointment
How to regulate emotions
How to set boundaries
How to communicate needs
How to recover from upset
Stay calm. Set clear boundaries. Acknowledge feelings. Teach alternatives to challenging behaviors. And remember that you're raising a future adult who will need independence, emotional expression, and boundary-setting skills.
You're teaching them these skills now. And yes, it's exhausting. That's why self-care and asking for help are crucial.
This stage doesn't last forever, even though it feels like it will. Most parents on the other side say, "I miss some things about that age" (though usually not the tantrums).
You've got this.
-
Consider professional help if:
For your child:
You have concerns about their development
Behaviors are dangerous to themselves or others
You've tried multiple strategies consistently and nothing helps
Your pediatrician has concerns
For yourself:
You're feeling overwhelmed and it's affecting your mental health
You find yourself yelling or responding harshly regularly and can't stop
You feel depressed, anxious, or hopeless about parenting
You have thoughts of harming yourself or your child
Family stress is high and affecting everyone
You need support with specific challenges (sleep, eating, behavior)
You just need someone to talk to who understands
Types of support available:
Parent coaching (specific strategies)
Individual therapy for you (process your experience, reduce stress)
Family therapy (if family dynamics are strained)
Support groups (connection with other parents)
Behavioral specialists for your child (if needed)
At Well Roots Counseling, we specialize in supporting parents through challenging developmental stages. Sometimes just having professional support and strategies makes all the difference in getting through this stage while preserving your sanity and your relationship with your child.
Asking for help isn't weakness—it's wisdom.
Final Thoughts: You've Got This
The terrible twos are called "terrible" for a reason, they're genuinely challenging. This is one of the hardest phases of early parenting. If you're feeling exhausted, frustrated, overwhelmed, or like you're failing, you're not alone.
But they're also transformative, both for your child and for you as a parent. Your toddler is learning to:
Be their own person
Express emotions (even big, uncomfortable ones)
Navigate the world independently
Communicate needs
Test boundaries to understand what's safe
And you're learning:
Patience you didn't know you had
How to stay calm in chaos
How to set boundaries with love
How to repair relationships after difficult moments
That you're stronger than you thought
Some days you'll handle it beautifully. You'll stay calm during a tantrum, redirect instead of reacting, and feel proud of yourself.
Other days you'll lose your temper, yell things you regret, feel like you failed, and wonder if you're damaging your child forever.
That's parenthood.
What matters is showing up, trying your best, apologizing when you mess up, and remembering that this stage, like all stages, is temporary.
You will get your sweet child back. You will have conversations instead of tantrums. You will enjoy their company again. You will sleep through the night again.
This is hard right now. Really hard. But you're doing better than you think.
Your child is lucky to have you.
Trust yourself. Be gentle with yourself. Ask for help when you need it.
You've got this.
Gabrielle Conner
Student Intern
Get Support During the Terrible Twos
If you're struggling with the emotional challenges of parenting during this stage, Well Roots Counseling offers specialized support for parents navigating the terrible twos.
Our therapists understand:
The unique stress of this developmental period
The toll on your mental health
The impact on your relationships
The need for practical strategies AND emotional support
We provide:
Individual therapy for parents
Strategies tailored to your family's needs
A safe space to process your experience
Support for parenting anxiety, depression, and overwhelm
Guidance for maintaining your well-being while raising a toddler
You don't have to do this alone.
Schedule a consultation to learn how therapy can help you through this challenging but temporary stage.
Because taking care of yourself isn't selfish, it's essential for being the parent your child needs.
Well Roots Counseling is an online therapy practice providing individual therapy, maternal mental health support, and couples therapy in North Carolina. We specialize in therapy for women, anxiety, parenting challenges, postpartum mental health, and trauma.